Monday, November 19, 2012

PINTEREST FAIL



Some people see things as they are and say, "Why?" Some dream of things that never were and say, "Why not?"  Then those "Why not" people get on Pinterest and say, "Aww, screw the world, I'm gonna repin that!" and bless us with oodles of hideous source material for the latest edition of "Pinterest Fail!"  Let's get weird, yall!

CRYPTIC CHALKBOARD

All I can imagine is that this girl's psycho ex-boyfriend broke into her house,
murdered her and her new boyfriend and then scrawled this creepy message on the 
chalkboard before taking his own life.  

__________________________________________________________________________

ANNOYING BOOK DISPLAY

Just put your books on a shelf like a normal fucking person.

__________________________________________________________________________


THE ARTIST

This person is obviously not familiar with Vincent van Gogh's famous last words:
"If you ever reproduce my work and put it in your crappy berber stairway,
I will send my disembodied left ear to haunt you in your dreams."

__________________________________________________________________________


LITERARY STAIRWAY

(Insert a LeVar Burton "Bitch Please!" face here.)

__________________________________________________________________________


KEY ART

This would only be cool if you framed a key from your house and 
gave it to the guy you've been casually dating for two weeks and pronounced,
"You already have the key to my heart, now here's the key to my home."

__________________________________________________________________________

CORNER FRAMES

Just like a Katy Perry 3D movie, a book by a Real Housewife
or legwarmers for boots, the world does not need this shit.

__________________________________________________________________________

SCRABBLE ART

Or you could use the 'H' in home to write Hova, because as we all know, Jay-Z is Lord.  
In other news, will this totes clash with my Trivial Pursuit wall?

__________________________________________________________________________


REUSABLE PAPER TOWELS

I dare you to make one for the toilet paper.  DARE YOU.

__________________________________________________________________________


ACTION FIGURE NIGHT LIGHT

Bed side lamp or the back room at a 1970's gay bathhouse?

__________________________________________________________________________

PRETTY WOMAN

Okay, this is actually super sweet, except that I can't quit laughing
about the prospect of finding this laid out instead (with the exact same note).

__________________________________________________________________________


INITIAL TREE TOPPER

 Because you can never be reminded enough 
the first initial of your last name.  

__________________________________________________________________________


IRON TREE BED

Nothing says "sweet dreams" like a bed that looks like
the sacrificial altar of Hades, Greek god of the underworld.

__________________________________________________________________________



BIZARRE LIGHT FIXTURE

Just because the crackhead who pees in your bushes finally left you a
thank you gift, doesn't mean you should actually put it up in your house.

__________________________________________________________________________


AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTO

"Remember that time we watched mom and dad make out?"

- These kids 2 years from now 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

HALLOWEEN DO'S

This a-hole took my pun'kins!
All Hallows' Eve is upon us, my little ghouls and boys.  In just a matter of hours, all of the little ghosts, goblins, and me, dressed up with a mask and body-concealing costume pretending to be an oversized 8-year-old will take to the streets to trick-or-treat and maybe jack a few bags from unsuspecting, unchaperoned children.  Are you ready?  I'm not. You know why? Because Wal-Mart has no pumpkins. I repeat, Wal-Mart has no pumpkins. And even worse, those sick bastards had all of their Christmas stuff out.  I heard a little musical tree playing Jingle Bells and almost Exorcist-style vomited.  Sadly, we are living in a world where November 1st is no longer a suitable date to put out the Christmas displays. These people are obviously not familiar with the old proverb, "Every time an early Christmas bell rings, a slutty angel loses her wings." Anyway, I proceeded to drive around for 3 hours last night looking high and low at every grocery store, roadside stand, and darkened porch for a pumpkin and found not a one. The only thing I can imagine that happened was that all of those girls who obsessively talk about pumpkin flavored stuff on Facebook ransacked them all and are keeping them as sex slaves in their basements - "You're all mine pumpkins!  You're all mine!"  So I will venture out again tonight in search of "The Great Pumpkin" or as I like to call it, "Whatever Crappy-Ass Pumpkin Is Left."  And while I'm at it, I may throw a few last minute decorations around the yard and download some chainsaw noises to my iPod.  Which brings me to today's topic:  Halloween Do's.  The following are a few ideas I deem acceptable (because my opinion is the greatest) for your Halloween decor. If you stay within these guidelines, I might not smash your pumpkin, roll your trees, spray paint the word "skank" in your driveway and fork your yard this year.  I said might.


DO use bird cages and moss to make some creepy/chic decor.

DO make a disgusting, inedible looking meatloaf that no one
else will want to eat and you can have all to yourself.

DO put together a mad doctor's apothecary of "poison" treats.

DO answer the door wearing this mask and tell your
neighbors, "Oh I just had this lying around" and they
will never ask you to babysit again.  

DO put some gorgeously scary chicken wire dresses in your yard.
Play a creepy old waltz on repeat for added fright.

Slasher cake.  It's a DO.  It's always a DO.
This is actually from my wedding.

DO make some eerie terrariums.

Homemade body bag.  Consider it a DO.  Plus you can throw it in your
trunk later on and use it to mess with the bag boy at the grocery store.
"Oh, what on earth is that doing in there?"

DO play around with some black mirrors.  Scary chic!


Soulless baby doll heads on springs.
They're not just for birthdays & Bar Mitzvahs anymore.
They're a DO.


DO put a beautifully scary wreath on your door.  


DO put some glow-in-the-dark flamingos in your yard.
Glow-in-the-dark trailer trash people sold separately.


DO spray your pumpkins with metallic paint.
Love the address # stenciled on the pumpkin.


DO put some terrifying silhouettes in the windows.
If you're feeling ambitious, do a moving display inspired by
90's decorator du jour, Kevin from Home Alone.


DO make a DIY Silence of the Lambs inspired head jar.
DO eat it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti (pronounced Kee-ant-ee).


Horrifying baby-head garland is a major DO.
Basically, anything that involves creepy babydolls is a 
DO.

Unless you're an adult who keeps hundreds of them in cradles in your bedroom,
and you refer to them as "My little dears" and you breastfeed them,
and read them bedtime stories and then kiss them goodnight.


DO put a Medusa inspired wreath on your door.  


Cheesecloth ghosts.  A DO.  For an added creepy
touch, tell trick-or-treaters you modeled the faces off
of the family tied up in your basement.  


Good news: You can finally pull Crazy Aunt Sally's Christmas gift
from last year out of the attic and put it to good use.  DO it.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

BORED GAMES: CLUE

The Greatest F*ckin' Game Ever
Whenever I take a moment to reflect on my childhood, some of the greatest memories, in one way or another, almost always revolved around a board game.  Some of my first recollections are of me crying and hitting my sisters because I was mad over not having all the marbles in Hungry Hungry Hippo and finding other random balls around the house and trying to pass them off as Hungry Hungry Hippo balls and my sisters being like "That shit ain't gonna fly" and me crying some more.  We briefly dabbled in Chutes and Ladders and Candyland, but as we got older, our tastes graduated to much more refined games like Girl Talk (nothing says "lady" like putting red stickers on your face and pretending they're zits) and of course the obligatory board game of any respectable 80's girl, Sweet Valley High (I always got stuck as shitty Enid Rollins).  We didn't have time for juvenile games like Operation or Connect Four.  That mindless shit was for amateurs and those in search of a quick, cheap thrill.  Fake electrocution was not our forte.  We were of a different more selective breed of gamers, and found ourselves in search of  "thinking" games.  Games with a plot. Games with a purpose.  

The game board we played on
Not to say that all we did was sit around and play board games.  My two sisters and I were very creative when it came to entertaining ourselves, so we came up with cool fantasy games to play outside: "Kidnapping" where we'd search for a pretend kidnapped kid in the neighborhood - P.S.- we never found that little bastard, "Evidence" where we would collect useless litter from the street and formulate some sort of murder/kidnapping scenario (A sock and a cigarette butt? Someone must be dead!), which would then lead us to "Murder On The Street" a whodunit game where we'd use our meaningless clues to pin a pretend murder on one of our poor, innocent neighbors (Their shutters are crooked!  Guilty!).  It was safe to say we had a morbid preoccupation with murder and death.  We had watched one too many Unsolved Mysteries (cue the scary song) and it was starting to make itself very obvious.  So when the game Clue was introduced into our lives, it was like a godsent.  Death and murder, wrapped up in one beautiful little box?  Say it ain't so!  We would play 30 times in a row and my heart would still beat out of my chest every time that magical envelope was opened revealing the killer.  Mrs. Peacock, in the ballroom, with the rope.  The sound of those words were more beautiful than angels wings gently tapping against baby cherub buttcheeks.  My parents would tease us because we couldn't even pronounce Colonel correctly. Instead of "kernel" we were pronouncing it "call-oh-nell" Mustard. We didn't give a rat's ass how it was pronounced.  We were on a Clue jag, not showering for days, solvin' mysteries right and left, and ridin' dirty like some badass P.I.'s. Then the cases got cold. The suspects got boring.  And we were on to other endeavors. We liked the  movie, but it wasn't enough to get us back into the game.  And life, sadly, moved on.  

Which brings us to today.  And with all those great memories of Clue rolling around in my head, I thought I'd relive my childhood for a sec and give Clue a total revamp.  Why not take all of those stale rooms from the game board and give them some real life (and real decor and style)?  And while we're at it, let's pretend there is going to be a movie remake with a darker modern-day take on the story and someone awesome like Christopher Nolan is directing?  What say you? Cast the roles with awesome actors and give the characters new backstories? Why yes, yes I will accept your challenge!  Plus I desperately need something to do because I tried playing "Murder on the Street" but our neighbor didn't appreciate it when I furiously rang her doorbell, held up an old Coke can and a crumpled newspaper, pointed my finger in her face and cried, "Murderer!!!!!  Murrrrrrderrrrrrerrrrrrrrr!!!!!!"    


THE VICTIM

DR. BLACK
An Oxford educated doctor who inherited his father's billions, Richard Black quit the profession and transformed from a continent-hopping playboy to an eccentric Gatsby-like recluse.  His manse is filled with exotic collectibles from around the world, which he acquires to mask the pain of his childhood and his family's dark secret.  His extravagant parties are the stuff of legend to the lucky hundred or so he calls friends, and even to a few that he doesn't.  And now he’s dead.

THE SUSPECTS

PROFESSOR PLUM
Dr. Black's best friend and confidant.  Stephen Plum was a sociology professor at Oxford who was popular with the students because of his good looks and unorthodox teaching methods, but he was dismissed after a scandalous "social experiment" he performed with some of his students.  

COLONEL MUSTARD
A longtime friend of Dr. Black's family and a dishonorably discharged military colonel for the British Army. Col. John Mustard is more than slightly unhinged.  He can always be found in full uniform because, well, he thinks he's still in the army, after all.  Oh, and he has an unhealthy obsession with his guns.

MRS. PEACOCK
The neighbor of the Black family, Virginia Peacock is the snooty widow of a British aristocrat, whose husband died under very mysterious circumstances. She became like a surrogate mother to Black after his mother died.  Come to think of it, his mother died mysteriously too.  

MISS SCARLETT
She was poor white Alabama trash who escaped her abusive home at 17, went out West, changed her name to Sarah Scarlett and ended up as the biggest showgirl in Vegas.  She's also the mistress (and rumored hitwoman) of Vegas kingpin, Mr. Green.

MRS. WHITE
Theodora White is the mysterious curator of Dr. Black's collections. No one knows her past.  It's probably better that way.

MR. GREEN
Having first befriended Dr. Black back in his playboy days on the Vegas strip, Marco Green is a mafioso don turned casino entrepreneur and the most powerful man in Vegas.  He owns five of the biggest casinos  and he's currently hooked on his latest eye-candy, Miss Scarlett.  And he occasionally kills people.  

THE MANSION

Now that you know the characters, step inside...




























(Yes, I'm about to take it too far - time on my hands, people)


And you can't have a movie without a poster, especially a poster with the beautifully creepy Tilda Swinton.  



Monday, October 8, 2012

MONDAY, BLOODY MONDAY

Can we all agree that this is the worst Monday ever? Everyone I know is having an awful terrible no good very bad day, including me. And since my pain and misery is way more important than anyone else's pain and misery, let me tell you all about it. First of all, I don't feel good, I'm half asleep, it's rainy and cold outside, I let my hair air dry this morning, my outfit looks like it was handpicked by a drunk Rosie O'Donnell, and the cherry on top is literally a cherry on top: I have a huge zit on my forehead. The closest thing I can compare myself to is Kirstie Alley on the cover of one of those "Stars Without Their Makeup" editions of Star or the National Enquirer.  That actually does me too much justice.  I would say on the National Enquirer scale of hideousness, I'm probably more of a heroin-addicted Macaulay Culkin. Okay, okay, even that's a stretch.  Gollum.  Final answer. Oh and I was attacked by a roach on my way out the door this morning, who probably just saw the way I looked and was trying to keep me from walking out the door. I swear I even heard him say "Get it together homegirl!" as he was doing the Raid induced death rattle. The only way I've made it through the day was by getting lost in some lush Pinterest gorgeousness.  My life feels so gray today, I think it just needed some green.  And what better way to get my green fix than with some happy little terrariums?  They're like your own little Bio-Dome, minus that pesky Stephen Baldwin.  Let's take a look at some kickass terrariums. Calgon, take me away!















And check out some neat terrarium tutorials here, herehere and here (this last one uses an old light fixture!  Cool!)